How to Deal with Difficult People

When a coworker, teammate, church member, student, or family member is not doing the right thing, what should we do?  It is tempting to respond with anger.  This expert on human relationships offers a different approach that is more effective in dealing with difficult people. Take a look at what to do – and what not to do.

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What do you do when someone around you is doing something that makes you angry?  It may be a difficult co-worker or colleague, a slacking teammate, an insensitive church member, or an errant student or family member.  What is the best way to respond?

Jesus was a master in dealing with human relationships.  He offers time-tested guidance that many secular relationship experts today unconsciously echo.

First, Jesus points out what not to do

Before laying out a positive program for how to deal with difficult people, Jesus begins with what not to do: Don’t act out in anger, don’t use abusive language against the offender; and don’t accuse them of being morally corrupt.  None of those approaches will achieve the goal you seek.

Jesus was speaking to men in a religious context when he offered this guidance:

“I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, ‘Raqa,’ will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna.” (Matt. 5:22, NABRE)  (Explore more of Matthew 5:21-26 here.)

Let’s unpack this statement so that we can see how it applies today in our workplaces, on sports teams, and in churches, schools, and families.

Don’t respond with angry words

Whoever is angry with his brother . . .

Jesus is not telling us we can’t have the emotion of anger.  Anger arises on its own without our conscious control, and it is better to acknowledge our emotions than to repress them.  The question is what we do with those emotions.  Jesus tells us not to respond with anger.

This wisdom is relevant to everyone.  We can apply it with our colleagues at work, our teammates, fellow church members, students, and the members of our family.  Angry words often cross the boundaries of professionalism, respect, and human decency.  When we respond with anger, we rarely achieve the effect we imagine when we first open our mouth.

. . . will be liable to judgment.

Jesus says that our behavior will be judged, using a generic word for “judgment” that implies judgment by a local body such as a village’s council of elders.  It is a metaphor, and we can translate it easily into our own situations.  Angry words often lead those watching us to conclude that we are the ones who need to make an adjustment.  This judgment may be made by our colleagues, teammates, church friends, students, or family members, and it may come down on us rather than on the person we are angry with.

Don’t engage in insults or treat others with contempt

Whoever says to his brother, “Raqa,” . . .

Matthew wrote his Gospel in Greek, but here he uses the word Jesus would have used in his native Aramaic tongue (a linguistic cousin to Hebrew).  “Raqa” conveys the idea that a person is “empty-headed” or an idiot.  Willam Barclay, a biblical word scholar, says that this word expresses a tone of contempt.  Jesus tells us to use respectful words and avoid contempt even when we are angry.

. . . will be answerable to the Sanhedrin.

The Sanhedrin was the highest judicial body in the Jewish nation.  To treat others with contempt is worse than simply getting angry at them, so Jesus says that if we do this, we will have to explain ourselves to the Sanhedrin.  Today, this would be like saying that if we use abusive language toward others, we will have to defend ourselves before the Supreme Court.  It’s a metaphor for higher authorities.  When we treat others with contempt, we raise the stakes so that we may have to answer to our bosses, the HR department, the team’s coach, the pastor, the principal, or the Big Mama of the family.  Those people will decide whether we have acted appropriately in using such language toward someone who, despite their actions, is one of us.

Don’t suggest that those you disagree with are morally corrupt

Whoever says, “You fool” . . .

The word used here for “fool” implies a moral failing, not an intellectual defect.  Jesus is saying that when we disagree with what someone is doing, we must hold back judgment and not claim that because they see things differently than us they are morally corrupt.  It is God’s place, not ours, to judge people’s moral standing.  We don’t know what is going on inside of them.  We need to stick to the facts and not disparage their character or integrity.

. . . will be liable to fiery Gehenna.

As our responses become more serious, the judgment we face rises to a higher level.  When we decide that we are the arbiter of whether someone is morally corrupt, we have moved into the province of God.  Jesus says that we put ourselves at risk of “Gehenna.”  Gehenna was the garbage dump outside of Jerusalem.  Centuries before Jesus’s time, it had been a site of child sacrifices (immolation).  In Jesus’s time, it was a place where fires frequently burned, to incinerate refuse or the bodies of plague victims and for other reasons.  Jesus is saying that when we cast moral judgments, we become liable to the highest judgment of all: God’s judgment as to whether our approach is defensible or is worthy of the refuse pile.

In one short verse, Jesus tells us this: When we respond to a problem with anger, engage in verbal abuse, or malign another person’s motives or character, we are setting ourselves up for a judgment of ourselves.  An unbiased examination of the facts may show that we are not faultless in the situation.  But even if we are right about the original problem, the way we deal with the colleague, teammate, church member, student, or family member we are unhappy with may set us up for a judgment against us for responding in an inappropriate way.

How to deal with difficult people: 4 steps

Jesus offers an alternative approach to disagreements with others.  Again, it is stated in the language of a church setting but can be applied more broadly:

“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.  If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.’  If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.  If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.” (Matt. 18:15-17)  (Explore more of Matthew 18:10-20 here.)

Again, let’s break it down:

Step 1: Discuss the matter privately with the person you are unhappy with.

Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.

Lay out your case calmly and respectfully, and listen to the other person.  See if you can reach some agreement on the matter.

If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.

This sentence is the crux of the entire passage.  Your goal is to restore agreement between you and your “brother” – this person who is on your team.  More on this below.

Step 2: Gather others who agree with you, and confront the offending person together.

If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that “every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

Jesus supports this point by quoting an Old Testament principle that nothing should be judged on the testimony of only a single person.  There should be an agreement of multiple people before someone is found to be in the wrong.

There is an important point hidden in this step.  In order to gather others to join us, we must convince them that we are right and the other person is wrong.  If we are contributing to the problem without realizing it, this step will help us see our own narrow vision, self-centeredness, shortsightedness, or mistakes.  We need to pay attention to the responses we get from the people we ask to join us, so that we can approach the problem in a truly upright and honorable way.

Step 3: Appeal to higher authorities.

If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.

At the time Matthew was writing this Gospel, there was no authority higher than the church.  If we really think something seriously wrong is happening, we need to appeal to the higher authorities that are appropriate to the situation: the boss, the boss’s boss, the HR department, the coach, the athletic department (if the coach is the problem), the pastor or other church authorities, the principal or head of school, the Big Mama of the family.

In this step, we still don’t act out in anger, we still don’t use abusive language, we still don’t impugn the moral character of the offender (though the implications for a person’s character may be manifested in the specific behavior we are objecting to).

Why go through these steps?  What is the goal?

Why are these the right steps for dealing with a conflict in the workplace or church, on a team, in school or family settings?  Let’s return to this line in Matt. 18:15:

If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.

The goal is to bring the person you are unhappy with back onto the team; to help them regain the vision that guides everyone else in the office, the church, the school, the family; to restore them to unity with the rest of you.

And that leads to the final step.  What if you can’t convince the person that they need to change what they are doing?  What if even when you involve others and then the whole group (whatever that looks like in your situation), you can’t restore unity of purpose and action?

Step 4: Treat the person as you would treat someone who is not on your team.

If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.

How did Jesus treat Gentiles and tax collectors?  With kindness and grace.  He didn’t tell them the things he told his disciples, but he treated them with respect.

Similarly, the apostle Paul tells the Colossians, “Conduct yourselves wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity.  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you know how you should respond to each one” (Col. 4:5-6).

In other words: Be wise about what you say but continue to speak respectfully.

Even when you can’t convince someone to change their behavior, there is still no room for speaking about them with contempt or impugning their motives – not because they will necessarily be as gracious to you, but because that is who you are.