Treat Your Family the Way You Would Treat a Stranger

In family relationships, choose respect rather than harsh words.

When I was a teacher, I sometimes saw the verbal boxing matches that go on in some families.  What is ordinarily hidden behind closed doors occasionally spilled out during parent-teacher conferences or phone calls home to talk about a wayward student.

I could see that some parent-child relationships had been nearly shattered by ugly friction.  I occasionally saw mothers who desperately loved their children but hid it behind barrages of verbal abuse.  I saw students who knew exactly the right words to use to push their parents’ buttons.  I saw fathers who cranked up the intensity of their voice or scowl to extremes that caused their child to disconnect.

(I also saw incredibly kind and compassionate parents, and I was deeply impressed by the surprising number of students who made huge sacrifices to fill in for missing, sick, disabled, or unemployed parents.)

The question wasn’t whether these family members loved each other.  They did.  The question was whether they could find ways to communicate through the scars their words had inflicted.

I also came to realize my own failings with my own children – the ways I didn’t listen to their concerns, my angry tone, my loud voice, the ways I could (and sometimes did) push them over the edge by an unrestrained comment.

Families might start to turn things around if they would follow one simple guideline I eventually learned: Treat your family the way you would treat a stranger in public.

Can the strategies we use with strangers help tattered family relationships?

I don’t think the overbearing parents I saw would have spoken to other students the way they spoke to their own teens.  The teens would not have spoken to other parents the way they spoke to their own parents.  In almost every way, parents and teens treat strangers with more respect than they treat their loved ones.

Why do we treat our families differently?   For many reasons.  It’s hard to always be respectful.  We have greater expectations with family members.  We allow our feelings to get wrapped around the behaviors of our loved ones.  And the result is, we sometimes say things to our kids or spouse that we wouldn’t dream of saying to a stranger.

Treating our family the way we would treat a stranger might help build rapport or rebuild shattered family relationships.  Consider a few examples.

When a stranger does something that makes us feel bad, we take a deep breath and ponder how to share our displeasure in a way that might win them over.  We don’t just blurt out our unfiltered reactions.  We find a better way.

In the workplace, we try to find ways to move forward without burning bridges.  When a worker in another department does something wrong, we don’t just ream them out.  We know we might have to work with them again, so we find respectful language to address the friction.  At home, we might be more likely to resort to a long, angry tirade, which frays our relationships.

With a colleague who we interact with regularly but don’t consider a friend, we don’t dredge up the things they did months or years ago and throw them back at them as weapons, because we know that’s not fair play.  It just makes the other party defensive and rarely leads to progress.  But at home, both parents and children sometimes act like everything is fair game, with sweeping indictments that shut down communication.

This doesn’t mean we should never respond when others do wrong.  But with strangers and people at work we are more likely to do it respectfully and in a careful way that maximizes the chance that we can come out of the confrontation with the relationship intact.

We save our most unguarded words for those at home.  The ones we love the most get the worst from us.

If we would treat our family the way we would treat a stranger, or someone we have to get along with at work, it might make a difference.

What does the Bible say?

The Letter to the Ephesians tells husbands to imitate Jesus by loving their wives “even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her” (Eph. 5:25, NABRE).  It’s hard to get up on our high horse if we are handing ourselves over for our loved ones.  We are called to not make the issue about us.

The same passage offers a metaphor where wives are like a church that is “holy and without blemish” (Eph. 5:27, NABRE).  It’s hard to avoid our own blemishes if we are dishing out dirt.  We are called to keep our words holy.

Ephesians tells parents, “[D]o do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4, NABRE).  We are called to instruct our children the way Jesus would, in tone as well as content.

The Letter to the Colossians says, “[D]o not provoke your children, so they may not become discouraged” (Col. 3:21, NABRE).  When children are regularly subjected to harsh words, they do not feel truly seen and become discouraged.  We are called to speak to our children in ways that affirm them even when we are correcting them.

Proverbs tells us: “A soft answer turns away wrath, / but a harsh word stirs up anger. /  The tongue of the wise dispenses knowledge, / but the mouths of fools pour out folly” (Proverbs 2:1-2, NABRE).  It is interesting that a gentle may not only be more effective but also keep us from spilling out our own foolishness.

As for children, Ephesians reminds them: “Honor your father and mother” (Eph. 6:1, NABRE).  It’s hard to hurl harsh words at parents and honor them at the same time.  We are called to honor them even when we disagree with them.

In the Letter to the Philippians, Paul suggests we treat friends similarly when he asks that two friends in a disagreement “come to a mutual understanding in the Lord” (Phil. 4:2, NABRE).  It’s hard to sit in our angry corner and at the same time come to a mutual understanding.  We are called to explore God’s understanding of the situation and seek mutual understanding.

Looking at these Scriptures, you might see why I suggest treating our family the way we would treat a stranger.  We are so much more careful about our words around strangers.  Why should our family receive a lower standard of treatment?

Jesus’s model and instruction

Paul offers Jesus as a role model for all people.  Jesus did not cling to equality with God but “emptied himself” (Phil. 2:7, NABRE) and took the role of a servant.  It’s hard to be full of our own righteousness if we are emptying ourselves.  In our relationships, we are called to imitate Jesus and His servant heart.  Jesus treated all people – even those who seemed the most clueless – with respect.

Jesus still treats us with respect today.  When we sin, He does not demean us or belittle us.  He doesn’t degrade us.  Even when He needs to convict us of sin, He continues to respect us and welcome us.  We are called to do the same.

I have tried to capture this attitude by suggesting that we treat our family the way we would treat a stranger.  If that doesn’t work for you, let me end with Jesus’s simple words.

In Matthew, Jesus says that “whoever is angry with his brother [which includes our children] will be liable to judgment” (Matt. 5:21, NABRE), with more severe judgment for those who call others “Raqa” (empty-headed) or “You fool” (Matt. 5:22).

He also says, “Love your enemies . . . that you may be children of your heavenly Father” (Matt. 5:44-45, NABRE).

If even our enemies are to be treated with love, how much more our family!  We are called to bring every word under control, so that everything we say and do is governed by Jesus’s love.

When that happens, maybe we will be ready to reverse the image and speak to strangers with as much love as we reveal in every word we speak to our families.